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Yoga Jokes & Quotes & Other Stuff
(more fun) ------- Yoga police: "You have the right to remain silent!" ------- Kundalini Yogi sharpshooter: "Ready, aim, fire!" ------- Two men meet on the street. ------- Don't just do something -- Sit there! ------- Albert Einstein: "Before God we are all equally wise - and equally foolish." ------- A student went to his meditation teacher and said, "My meditation is horrible! I feel so distracted, or my legs ache, or I'm constantly falling asleep. It's just horrible!" "It will pass," the teacher said matter-of-factly. A week later, the student came back to his teacher. "My meditation is wonderful! I feel so aware, so peaceful, so alive! It's just wonderful!" "It will pass," the teacher replied matter-of-factly. ------- Warning! Dates on the calendar may be closer than they appear! -------
------- Typographical error: "May your medication today bring you peace, happiness, and bliss." ------- When someone points at the moon, don't worship the finger! ------- This fellow was climbing a
tree when suddenly he slipped. He grabbed a branch and was hanging
there. After an hour or so passed, he was feeling exhausted. He looked
up to the heavens and cried out: "God, help me, please, help
me." ------- Time is the best teacher, although it kills the students. -------
Does Yogi Bear have anything to do with Yoga? ------- Bob Hope: "I do benefits for all religions - I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality." ------- If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? ------- W. B. Yeats: "Some
people say there is a God; others say there is no ------- My karma ran over my dogma.... -------
------- Having trouble sleeping? Try counting your blessings. ------- Garth Brooks: "Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers." ------- A group of bats, hanging from the ceiling of a cave, discover a single bat STANDING upright below them on the floor of the cave. Surprised by this unusual behavior, they ask, "What's wrong with you? What are you doing down there?" The standing bat answers, "Yoga!" ------- Elbert Hubbard: "We are punished by our sins, not for them." ------- If you want to ruin the truth, stretch it. -------
------- When asked what gift he wanted for his birthday, the yogi replied "I wish no gifts, only presence" ------- Four monks agreed to meditate in silence for a week and to not speak a single word. On the first day, they all maintained silence. But as darkness fell, the flame of their singular candle began to flicker. "Oh, the flame is going out, said one monk. "Eh, we should not speak a single word, said the second monk. "Why do you two want to speak? said the third monk "Ha! I am the only one who did not talk! said the fourth monk. ------- Garrison Keillor: "They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realize that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days." ------- If God had
a telephone answering machine: ------- The easiest way to get holy water is to boil the hell out of it. ------- God loves you (humorous video on religion) ------- Mark Twain: "Do the thing you fear most, and the death of fear is certain." ------- Some people talk about finding God, as if He or She could get lost. ------- Throughout the highs and lows of life, whether bad times or good, whether living in darkness or light, untruth or truth, sugar always tastes sweet. So too can the sweet remembrance of the union called Yoga be ever tasted. Swami Jnaneshvara ------- Albert Einstein: There are two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as if everything is a miracle. -------
------- Bumper sticker: I considered being atheist, but there weren't enough holidays. ------- Procrastinate now! ------- At a moment of uncertainty a man said, "May the will of God be done." His friend, overhearing this, said to him, "The will of God is always done, even without asking." "How do you know this?" asked the first man. The second man explained, "I know it is so because, if it were not, there would be at least a few times when my will is done. -------
------- Emily Dickenson: "They say that God is everywhere, and yet we always think of Him as somewhat of a recluse." ------- When two psychic friends
met, one said: ------- Q: What do Yoga meditation
and an apple peeler have in common? ------- Sign in the window of a
metaphysical bookstore: ------- The best vitamin to be a happy person is B1. ------- Q: What do Yoga meditation
and a fudge cake have in common? ------- Graffiti
on a wall: God is dead! (Signed Friedrich Nietzsche) -------
------- Q: How many contemplative
monks does it take to change a light bulb? ------- In Yoga, it's just one thing after another -- breath, breath, breath ------- Meditation student: If I'm open minded, won't my brains
fall out? ------- I believe in God. I just don't trust anybody who works for him. ------- If it seems like everything is coming at you, maybe you're in the wrong lane. ------- Q: How many yogis does it take to change a light
bulb? ------- Mahatma Gandhi: "I think it would be a good idea." (When asked what he thought about Western civilization) ------- The enlightened ones have no boundaries, but respect those of others. ------- The energy (oil) consumption curve of human history:
------- If you believe in telekinesis, please raise my hand. ------- In the pursuit of happiness, the hard part is knowing when you've caught up. ------- Bumper sticker: God is coming... Look busy! -------
------- The only trouble with being a self made man is when you worship your creator. ------- Gypsy Rose Lee: "God is love, but get it in writing." ------- Q: Why couldn't the Yogi
vacuum his carpet? ------- Bertrand Russell: "One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important." ------- A temple for atheists is a non-prophet organization. ------- A local priest and a
pastor were fishing on the side of the road. They thoughtfully made a
sign saying, "The end is near! Turn yourself around now before it's
too late!" and showed it to each passing car. ------- H. G. Wells: "Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo." ------- The voice of the intellect is soft one, but it does not rest until it has gained a hearing. Ultimately, after endless rebuffs, it succeeds. This is one of the few points in which one may be optimistic about the future of mankind. Sigmund Freud, The Future of an Illusion ------- A word to the wise is sufficient, but a thousand to a fool is not quite enough. ------- A world without religion doesn't have a prayer. ------- Change is inevitable, except from vending machines. ------- Q. What did the
advertisement of the Yoga teacher searching for new students say? ------- Voltaire: "God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh." ------- What did the Yogi say when
he walked into the Pizza Parlor? ------- Lily Tomlin: "Why is it when we talk to God, we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us, we're schizophrenic?" ------- George Carlin: "I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death." ------- Three Yogis are doing meditative in a remote cave. One day a sound is heard from outside the cave. After about six months, one of the yogis says, "Did you hear that goat?" Once again, there was silence. About a year later, one of the other Yogis says, "That wasn't a goat; it was a mule." Again, there was silence. About two years later the third yogi says, "If you two don't stop arguing, I'm leaving." ------- Woody Allen: "It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens." ------- Knock knock ------- Carl Sagan: "A celibate clergy is an especially good idea, because it tends to suppress any hereditary propensity toward fanaticism." ------- Q. What did the yogi tell
the door-to-door salesperson who came to his home selling vacuum
cleaners? ------- Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape. ------- One of the biggest, most sad, and
least funny Yoga jokes of all: -------
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